Let's Cut to the Chase

Last night there was about an hour's gap of time between when Steve left for work and when I arrived home to find GG freaking out. She and S3 had been fighting again. I thought I'd calmed the situation so I went upstairs to shower. I didn't even have the water turned on when GG pounded on the door freaking out about S3 again. I told her just to avoid him until I finished my shower and I'd deal with everyone then.

About twenty minutes later, I had everyone turn off the computers, play stations, and television and gather in the living room. Ty told me his version of events, S3 & Ev concurred and GG added a little more detail, but pretty much everyone told the same story.

For the next half hour or so, Ty, S3, GG and I discussed how things could have been done differently to avoid the arguing and crying and finally everyone was calm so I dismissed them all from the "meeting." Ev turns to me and says, "So basically I didn't really need to be here."

Psychology for the Hypochondriac

I'm taking a psych course this semester and this week's chapter is on Psychological Disorders. I think at least a quarter of the chapter is on schizophrenia and the text defines one of the symptoms of schizophrenia being hallucinations, "often emerging as voices."

This morning after Steve had left for work, and the kids had left for school, I was getting ready for work, starting with a nice, hot shower in the peaceful quiet house. Suddenly, over the sound of the water pouring from the shower head, I heard a voice calling me. For a half a heart beat I thought, "Voices!"

Turns out I forgot I was babysitting my nieces and nephew this morning. The "voice" was my sister, hollering up the stairs to check and see if I was home or if I totally forgot them and left the house already. Yup, I have problems, but I don't think any of them are schizophrenia.

Nature or Nurture?

My husband, for those who don't know him, is a very literal man. I call him Mr. Literal. It's really annoying. He says exactly what he means and he will do exactly what you ask him to do. We try not to say, "Throw that [fill in the blank] over here," unless you really want him to throw it at you.

A little while ago, I was in the basement folding laundry, and had the kids come down to bring their piles up to put away. I handed Ty his pile, which was rather large and had a pair of underpants on top. In order to balance his pile, he ended up using his face. I said, "Ty are you ok? 'Cuz you've got undies in your face..."

As he was walking away and up the stairs he said, "Well technically they're not IN my face. They're NEXT TO my face but not in my face. If they were in my face, that would be weird."

Mr. Literal, Jr.

Special Talents

Tonight in the car, E asked me why we don't have a "family job." After some confusion, Ty translated that for me into, "Why doesn't our family own our own business?" I asked E what she thought we would do if we opened our own business. There were a lot of restaurant ideas coming from the back seat when S3 chimed in, "Let's see... What are our skill sets? Hmmm.... there's Tattling..."

English Composition is a Dried-Up Vagina Party

Seriously, I'll bet you didn't know that did you?

My class was online and last night we had our last group chat for this group project that's due tomorrow. I don't know how this kid managed it, but he stumbled right into our chat. At first we just ignored him and he made stupid comments here and there, trying to be insulting I'm sure but I thought it was just moronically funny.

Finally he said, "So what grade are you all in?" and I laughed again. I said, "Honey, I'm 32, I have four kids and a mortgage." The rest of the group chimed in... there was a 30 year old but the others were 18/19 years old. Turns out this kid is 16 (for which I replied that my son is nearly fifteen so this guy might as well be in a chat room with his mother).

He then informed us it was like he was in a party for "dried up vag." I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. What started out as a fairly boring chat about editing our final paper turned into a dried up vagina party.

So Isaac, wherever you are, whoever you are, thank you. That was the only thing from that entire class that I enjoyed.

Facebook Follies

I love having a teen boy. We were having a "sit-up contest" that E started. S3 was on his laptop but I wasn't really paying much attention to him other than when E did her 30th sit-up I told her I bet S3 couldn't do 30. So he got down on the floor and did 50, easily, and then quit because he could go on forever and didn't want to bore us with his magnificence. He got back on his laptop and G laid down and quickly did seventy.

Well that wasn't going to fly so S3 gets up again, says, "What do I have to do, like twenty more?" and I said, "Noooo, you have to do seventy in a row." As he's working on beating G's record, I look over and see he's in a chat with a girl that he kinda knew through his best friend but mostly knows from facebook. They're chatting about Spanish class. E comes over and in a stage whisper she says, "Write, 'I love you very much'." So I did.

OMG the look on S3's face! He stops in the middle of a sit up and says, "WHAT?!?!" Crawls over to where we're sitting, sees what I've done and puts his hands in his face and says, "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!" I cried I laughed so hard. Of course he told the girl it was me and she totally got the joke but the look on his face at the time was priceless. I laughed so hard when I retold the story to Steve I started crying again.

Ah, I love being a mom.

Got Hemorrhoids?

I was making a joke earlier in the evening about Preparation H and my kids were eavesdropping. We got in the car and S3 says to me, "Mom, what's that stuff you were talking about earlier?"

I said, "What? Preparation H? Do you know what hemorrhoids are?" He nods yes. "Well sometimes hemmorhoids itch and burn and hurt and so you put Preparation H in your anus to soothe them." And being the mature adult that I am, I started giggling, "Heh, heh, your anus - Uranus. Heh, heh."

So after some immature giggling we decided that Preparation H must come from Uranus. Ty says, "It must take a long time to get there."

And again being the mature adult that I am, I respond, "Yes and I hear it's very dark and stinky."

Ty says, "Yeah, and I hear to get there you have to go past the moons."

"My Penis Got Stuck in the Vacuum Cleaner"

Craig talks about the US and voting. Starting around 6:20 on the video.

Girls' Weekend in DC

For Melanie's and my birthday, we went to DC for the weekend with our mom. The goal was to relax, look at some good art and watch a soccer game. We definitely had success. I'm having a really hard time paring down the pics so bear with me here.

We arrive Friday night and try to figure out the timer on one of the two cameras we had with us. Hilarity ensued.



Gorgeous view while we ate breakfast.



Had to get the usual pics in the Metro.





and in the Mall



Now, I took a lot of pix of art and I'm going to post a second post of my favs, but here's some pics of us in the museum.









Outside for a quick snack before going on to the modern art museum.





So by this time we were pretty tired and I know my feet and back were hurting so we headed back to the hotel to get a quick bite and the tickets to the game. I met an awesome guy online who happened to be travelling to Alaska with his wife at the same time that we were coming down for the game so I bought his tickets from him. They were awesome seats. Here's some of my fav pix from the game.

Ok now look, it was a long day. None of us look our best but I think I look especially bad. Plus it's a self portrait LOL!



Just loved this guy.



My dad is a big Chivas USA fan and he has a love/hate relationship with Klejstan



The first goal was so pitiful, look at our goalie's reaction



This halftime thing was hysterical. I have no idea what they were doing. Pushing a giant inflated ball for some reason.





Yes, yes, we lost. It was horribly embarrassing.



We relaxed afterward in the hotel restaurant-bar with fondue, crab cakes and drinks.



Melanie's was a little full. I don't even know how the waitress got it over to her.



We couldn't get the hotel room open with her insurance card. Turns out only the hotel room key will work for that.

I'm In Love

I've been watching the Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson and I am in love. Not only is this guy cute but he's hysterical! It doesn't matter who his guests are nightly. He's such a great host, it could be my next door neighbor and I'd still enjoy the show. I haven't seen an episode yet that didn't have me laughing myself sick. He's Awesome!

He used to be Drew Carey's boss on the Drew Carey Show. I only tell you this detail because Steve didn't put two and two together and was surprised the other night when Drew was on Craig's show.

Go to the website and watch the episode with Ewan McGregor. Or look for him on YouTube. Or stay up late with the crazies. However you have to do it, watch his show.

I know!

Catch a Fire

Ok so for this online composition class I'm taking, the prof had this cartoon pirate that speaks with his voice. We're supposed to be editing and adding to our student pages and he suggested that might be something we could add. I fooled around with it for a bit and then realized I'd probably have to give it my voice. Well I hate the way my voice sounds when it's recorded. Vain, I know. So I trimmed a TobyMac song called WhoopsiDasy (CatchaFire) and the results are hysterical. Watch:




Get a Voki now!

BTW, thank you for the happy greetings in my last post. I missed you guys too. I'll tell you all about it sometime soon but basically I figured this'd be the last summer I'd have free for quite a few years so I decided to travel. And boy did I travel. Beckham bunny is doing great; time to trim him again soon. Hopefully I did a better job of taking care of his hair so Melanie will be able to use it for spinning.

Don't Tell My Mother

Look what the kids came up with this time....

Just don't tell my mother I let them do that.

The Peanut is NOT a Wimp

Yesterday I had to pick my sister's daughters up from school, Peanut and Eeyore. Since E only has a half day she came with me. We ran a couple of errands ending our running around with a trip to the grocery store. While we were in the produce section picking out an onion, Eeyore started picking on her little sister the way only big sisters can.

"Peanut is so wimpy, she can't even shut a door!"

Now Peanut is small but she's no wimp. However she is the baby and she is a lot like her Aunt Sara. She uses charm and her baby-of-the-family status to get out of having to do any strenuous work. I know this because it's exactly what I do, er, um, did. So I defended her and said, "Nah, women in this family aren't wimps. We're strong."

E chimed in by saying, "I'm strong. I can pick up a gallon of milk."

Peanut, silent no longer said, "I can pick up a gallon of milk too!"

Well a gallon of milk just happened to be on my list so we made our way to the dairy department where all three girls, striving to prove their non-wimpiness, each picked up a gallon of milk. "Er, ladies, I only need one gallon so two of you will have to put your gallon back," I said.

Immediately three voices called, "Not me!" They proceeded to play the "not me" game until finally Eeyore was the last to say it and she had to put her gallon back. We stood there for a little while longer while the two younger girls continued to shout out, "NOT ME! NOT ME! NOT ME!" in unison over and over until finally I said, "Ok we're obviously going to have to move on to Rock, Paper, Scissors."

I held both gallons of milk and stood there while the girls played the elimination game. E threw paper, Peanut threw scissors. Peanut was victorious and E had to put her gallon of milk back. Peanut was very happy with herself as you might imagine.

So as we go to walk away from the milk case, I look up finally and see there is a line of people waiting to get a gallon of milk. ROTFL! I blushed, apologized and we took off for the check-out.

We got around the corner and Peanut declared the milk was too heavy and I traded my onion for her gallon. LOL

The best part of the story though... I got home and was telling Steve about our adventures in the grocery store and once he got done laughing he said, "You do realize we have two other gallons of milk in the fridge downstairs, don't you?"

E Teaches Me About Joseph

"First his dad bought him the most expensive coat he could afford. I think maybe it was like nine bucks and his brothers were jealous. Then later when the brothers threw Joef-es in the pit and put the sheep blood on his coat, they lied and told the dad that a monster ate Joef-es. At the very end, they had a party and Joef-es invited everyone."

Happy Pi Day!

S3 took a frozen pie to school for Pi day (today is 3-14, get it?). He wanted me to bake one but I just laughed at him.

He's really looking forward to Pi day in 2015. Yes I know my son is a geek. But he's a cute geek.

Links for ya:
Wikipedia's Pi Day
Official Pi Day Website
Pi Day Songs
How to Celebrate Pi Day

Learned Something New Today

After church I needed groceries so the kids and I quickly changed and headed out to Sam's Club. We were all in a pretty good mood; our bellies were filled with cheeseburgers and iced tea and we were ready to shop.

As we walked in the front door we saw this cool game set up called Rock Band complete with two guitars, a drum set and a microphone. Steve is in Missouri and since we didn't have to rush through shopping and we didn't have anywhere we needed to be, I gave my go-ahead to the kids to check the game set up a little closer. Ty immediately sat down at the drums, G grabbed a guitar and E gravitated toward the microphone. I cajoled S3 into picking up the second guitar telling him it would be fun.

So it seems like Ty on the drums is in control of the selections - music and etc. - so he starts trying to figure out what pad to bang on to get the result he wants (the next screen) and every time he manages to figure it out, G would push a button on her guitar and send them all back to the main screen. Rinse and repeat about five times until finally I said, "G! Do NOT TOUCH another button on that guitar until I say so."

Ty gets to the next screen (finally!) and now the instruments have to pick their level of play. Two of them choose "easy" and S3 is trying to figure out how to be a bass instead of a guitar when G pressed that button again and sent them all back to the beginning. Rinse and repeat about five more times until finally I got Ty to just push everyone through that screen and the music finally started.

Well they must have picked the hardest song ever to try to play and besides that, both the girls just stood there dumbfounded, not understanding the point of the game at all and very quickly they all four failed to perform and the game was done. All of this took about 15 minutes or so and it looked as though other people would like a chance to try to fail so I declared our time with the game to be at an end.

G and E cried and whined. Ty was just about pulling his hair out in frustration - over the game set-up, over failing at the game, and worst of all over his older brother who was having himself a FAN-tastic 13 year old pissy moment (silent mind you. It's all in the body language).

"So what did I learn today?" you may be asking. I learned why Steve always says, "No."

Totally Random

In the car on the ride home tonight, out of nowhere E says, "Wouldn't it be funny to tape a duck?"

Cupcakes Anyone?

G wanted a cupcake cake for her birthday party at school this year and she wanted it to look like a soccer ball. I had a hard time finding a place that would make one (yes, I was too lazy to make the kid some cupcakes) but finally I did and I ordered it for Monday morning.

Monday morning I drove to Sam's Club, walked back to the bakery, gave the girl my name and guess what? No cupcake cake. Well whatever the kid needed cupcakes for her birthday so I bought a Sam's club sized pack of 3,000,000 cupcakes. I paid, walked out to my van, buckled up and started to pull away when I suddenly realized....

.... I ordered the cake from the SuperWalMart next door.

{GULP} Happy Birthday?

Saturday was G's 9th birthday and boy was she ever excited. She talked about her birthday every day from the moment the calendar page turned to February. On the Friday before the big day the kids and I were driving to a basketball game and once again G brought up her birthday the next day.

Ty, having had enough of the birthday reminders, decided to put G in her place by saying, "Technically your birthday was nine months ago."

{Gulp} Eh, er, um, oooookaaaaay.... I guess now we're going to have a family discussion about conception.

Hot Rod Mama

S3 has a plan. He is saving whatever money he makes babysitting for me and mowing grass and his birthday, Christmas and report card money and he is going to buy a car. Yes, my thirteen year old is already looking for a car. He figures he's got almost enough to buy an old junker and over the next three or four years slowly get it working and looking nice so that by the time he drives, he'll have a really nice car. I think it's a great idea for lots of reasons but I won't get into that because that's not what this post is about.

Yesterday he and I were daydreaming about his car. Sometimes we daydream about the make and model but yesterday we were discussing colors. I told him I thought he aught to paint his car a nice candy-apple red with black racing stripes. He said he didn't want a red car and when I asked him why he said, "Because the police look for red cars Mom."

I decided to tease him a little so I said, "Are you planning on breaking the law?"

He said, "No."

I said, "Then it shouldn't matter if you have a red car. They can look at your red car all they want as long as you're not doing anything wrong."

He looked at me and said, "Yeah, but what if you're driving it?"