I haven't blogged in forever

That doesn't mean I've stopped telling the entire world every stupid thing that goes on in my life. Far from it. It just means I've found faster, easier mediums with which to fascinate every person I've ever met with what I've had for breakfast.

I've been meaning to come post here some long drivel about this super big decision I have to make sometime really soon (continue in medicine or open a bookstore) but instead I think I'll tell you about the guy who pierced my nose.

He changed his gloves a hundred million times. I'm only partially exaggerating.

Look, I wipe people's hineys for a living. I understand germs and gloves and PPEs but seriously, this guy was really trying hard to remain clean. He would draw the dot on my nose, change his gloves. Open a package, change his gloves. I appreciate it. I'm sure it reduces the chance that my piercing will get infected but... well... it was still kinda weird.

All in all, he was a nice guy and the piercing didn't hurt at all after the needle was thru. Well done Kevin! Thanks!

Psychology for the Hypochondriac

I'm taking a psych course this semester and this week's chapter is on Psychological Disorders. I think at least a quarter of the chapter is on schizophrenia and the text defines one of the symptoms of schizophrenia being hallucinations, "often emerging as voices."

This morning after Steve had left for work, and the kids had left for school, I was getting ready for work, starting with a nice, hot shower in the peaceful quiet house. Suddenly, over the sound of the water pouring from the shower head, I heard a voice calling me. For a half a heart beat I thought, "Voices!"

Turns out I forgot I was babysitting my nieces and nephew this morning. The "voice" was my sister, hollering up the stairs to check and see if I was home or if I totally forgot them and left the house already. Yup, I have problems, but I don't think any of them are schizophrenia.

Cupcakes Anyone?

G wanted a cupcake cake for her birthday party at school this year and she wanted it to look like a soccer ball. I had a hard time finding a place that would make one (yes, I was too lazy to make the kid some cupcakes) but finally I did and I ordered it for Monday morning.

Monday morning I drove to Sam's Club, walked back to the bakery, gave the girl my name and guess what? No cupcake cake. Well whatever the kid needed cupcakes for her birthday so I bought a Sam's club sized pack of 3,000,000 cupcakes. I paid, walked out to my van, buckled up and started to pull away when I suddenly realized....

.... I ordered the cake from the SuperWalMart next door.

10 Things I Learned Today

1. When the moon is full, it will rain the minute you step out of the car to change a flat and stop raining the minute you are at the repair shop. Also it will be the one day of the month that instead of wearing your typical black, you will be wearing white and powder blue.

2. Monroe doesn't put the lug nuts on so tight that a girl can't get them off.

3. Dummy tires don't have a label on them that says, "This side toward car," but there really is only one way they'll go on.

4. Camera phones and email come in real handy when you can't figure out how to lower a jack and your dad is and hour away but sitting in front of his computer.

5. When you lower the car, do it slowly or you might startle yourself and the kid strapped in her carseat inside the car.

6. My husband (it's his car) is a slob. Or a pack rat. Or maybe both. Either way, there was a lot of junk in that trunk. On top of the spare.

7. I realized if I ever planned to murder someone, I couldn't risk putting their dead body in the trunk of the car.

8. Tires are heavy.

9. If you are wearing eye make up and changing a tire in the rain, you have to look carefully at all your fingers to decide which is the cleanest one before you can lick it and clean the mascara from your cheeks so that the repair shop guys don't think you were crying.

10. After 15 years (half my lifetime) I can still change a flat tire.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I ran home from work, caught an hour nap on the couch and then ran out to the school for G's 2nd grade chapel program. Every year each class takes one of the chapel programs that they have every Wednesday and they perform a little skit. The first year that S3 was in one I went thinking it was just a little thing. It is a big deal. They put costumes on and do a little play. They prepare for it for months and months. They memorize lines. They have a reception afterward.

I slept through it.

I know, I know, I get worst mom of the year award. G didn't know what time it started and I asked the boys who have both been attending chapel every Wednesday for years and years and they told me ten. I got there at nine thirty and it was over. Fortunately G was getting so much attention over her hot pink cast that she didn't seem to really care that much.


After that I ran home, grabbed a shower and then E and I scooted over to a diner to meet Phil and his family for lunch. I know I mentioned Phil in another post about books but I don't believe that I mentioned that his lovely wife just gave birth to their second daughter. I was beyond honored that they took the time to visit just so I could hold the baby. She is so precious! Before I went I told Steve that either I needed to hold this baby or he was going to have to buy me a cat. E will be five this year. In thirteen years this is the longest amount of time that I've gone without being pregnant or having a baby myself. I think the plan backfired. That baby is so tiny and lovable (you should have seen the teeny diapers!). I couldn't talk Tiffany and the baby into coming home to live with me so I guess I'll be looking for a cat.

I had to cut that visit shorter than I would have liked because I had to run Ty to the doctor's office. He has been home from school for the whole week mostly with complaints of a headache. I needed to get an excuse note from the doc since he's been out longer than three days and it turns out the poor kid has strep throat. So one more day home from school and a little amoxicillin and he'll be good as new. I just can't figure out why he'd have a headache but not a sore throat.

After that I was supposed to meet up with some girls from work for dinner and a drink (and to pick up men but I was planning on skipping that part) but I ended up passing out and sleeping like the dead for the rest of the night. When I got up today I had a message on my phone from one of the girls saying they were all beat too and going to make it another night.

I think I saw Steve yesterday. I waved to him when we passed on the road when I was coming home from and he was going to work. I must need to slow down.

Now That Christmas Is Over

Remember our live tree expedition that we take every year with our friends? This year we went further out into the tree farm so we ended up taking the wagon out and back. We picked our tree to fit in a tall and narrow space, chopped it down and gave it to the guy on the wagon. He affixed a number to the tree and gave us the other half of the ticket with our number on it. Our friends did the same thing and then we all went and had hot cocoa.

So last night we were over at their house to have our one last Christmas gathering - lasagna, fondue and gift exchange - and Md was saying how she was going to take the tree down today but had decided to leave it up since we were all coming over. That's when Ed chimed in that he thought maybe they had our tree.

We started really looking at the tree. It was much thinner than they usually pick out and Ed said when they brought it in the tree was scraping along the ceiling. He and his daughter Alli were looking at each other wondering how they'd managed to pick a tree that was too tall for their house. When they said that, Steve and I started laughing. He had set our tree up the day after we'd bought it and when he'd cut the strings and the tree popped open, he and I were thinking our tree was much, much fatter than it looked when it was out at the tree farm.

Since we both turned our trees in one after the other, we think we didn't look closely enough at the numbers on our tickets when we picked the trees up.

Brilliant!

Last night I was running late for work because of the kids' concert at school and when I got about a block from my house and saw a lot of cars and some flashing lights I thought there had been an accident. Reasoning that I was late and that they'd probably be making us all turn around anyway and watching the guy in front of me turn around and head the other direction brought me to the decision to make a quick U-turn in the middle of the road.

It was not one of my better decisions.

The police officer who pulled me over said, "You do realize you made an illegal U-turn right in front of me?"

No wait, it gets worse.

He says, "When we're doing a DUI check and cars start making U-turns we tend to get a little suspicious."

No wait, it gets worse.

We'd just had the van in the shop a while ago and I'd taken out the registration and insurance papers.

He says, "There is a $300 fine attached to not carrying your registration papers with you in the vehicle."

I'm not sure if it was the soccer mom van, the nursing scrubs or the copious tears but he said it was my lucky day because I seemed like a good person and he was really just looking for DUIs tonight.

Note to self: You are an idiot.

Idiot Mom Strikes Again

Ah it's been a while since I've seen Idiot Mom (a.k.a. I-Mom). She used to make lots of appearances but I really thought I had managed to banish her. Apparently she's stronger than I thought.

I-Mom is infamous for her idiocy. She forgets school activites. She burns dinner. She has poor judgement (sure you can drive the van!). She gets lost driving a block away. She messes up appointments. Yes, somehow I managed to royally screw up the kids' dentist appointments. In my defense it was really only half my fault this time.

I made the appointments last week for this morning and I even made all the arrangements for the kids' school activities that they'd miss while they were out this morning. So we all piled in the van and took off for the office which is right around the corner. There was a sign in the door that our dentist has retired and the doctor who is taking over his patients should go to a building one block down for their appointments. Well even though it's only a block away I got stinkin' lost so I called the office and told them I was their 8:45 appointment but I was lost.

Turns out there was some issue with our insurance and I had to check into our coverage for the cleanings vs. our coverage for cavities and they were expecting me to call back to confirm that I wanted the appointments. I thought I had the appointments and I would call back if our insurance would not cover the fees and I needed to cancel. They had cancelled our appointments and didn't have a hygenist in the office so basically I kept the kids home for nothing. If only there were snow on the ground. I could have called it a two-hour delay.

The good news is, I had a thought this morning so I threw my camera in the van on the way to take the kids to school and sure enough my feathered friend was hanging out on the side of the road again. He had his girlfriends with him today and either he is a chicken or they are birdbrains because when I pulled up next to him, he dashed into the weeds but the girls hung around wondering what the heck I was doing.

Do You Know What the Longest Song Is?

So this weekend I went to a bead show with my girlfriend and afterward the kids and Steve met us at her house and we gathered her family up to go for our trees - we go together every year. Anyway the kids come in the living room followed by Steve who says, "Do you know what the longest song is?" and almost in unison my kids shouted, "SAY YES!" and Steve starts laughing.

Later when we were alone he told me on the way from our house to their house he had asked the kids if they knew what the longest song was and when they didn't he asked if they wanted to hear it. When they said yes he started singing, "The Song that Never Ends" and he didn't stop singing it until they got to my girlfriend's house, about a 15-20 minute ride.

He said after a while they started singing along. Then little while later Ty started improvising with Oompapas in between and then a little while after that they started begging him to stop. He looked in the rear view mirror at one point and E had her fingers in her ears and was shaking her head no.

I asked him, "Didn't it get annoying to sing that the whole way there?" and he laughed and said yes but it had been worth it.

Always Look On the Bright Side of Life

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten

There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of $&#!
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...

Thank You Eric Idle!



Now that I'm done singing, here's a top-ten "What Good Has Come of the Paint Incident:"
10. In a state of utter frustration and disquiet, I blurted out something to Steve that has been bothering me for months. We dealt with it and I feel peaceful and happy again.

9. After cleaning windows, curtains and slipcovers last week and now the carpets this week, my downstairs is about as thoroughly clean as it has ever been at any one time.

8. When I was cleaning a pile of clutter in the corner of my dining room to get ready to clean the carpets, I found my favorite stitching snippers! Hurrah!

7. I learned new things such as, if you have carpet cleaning solution on your hands, do not rub your eye no matter how itchy it is.

6. The paint pretty much all came up!

5. E and I couldn't be confined to the upstairs all day yesterday so we had to go out shopping. We spent the whole day in AC Moore.

4. Since we had nowhere to sit and eat we had to go out to lunch and dinner.

3. I got Steve to admit it's time for new flooring and he's considering my request for hardwood - either to refinish what I know is under the carpet or to put down a new floor.

2. The whole thing makes for a good story.

And the Number One "Good That Has Come of the Paint Incident" is........

1. We think the area where the paint was dumped looks the cleanest of both carpets and we're considering dumping paint everywhere else next week.

We've Had a Bad Moment Here Today